Thursday, March 31, 2011

On a serious/personal note....

Today's post is serious and some things that have been weighing heavily on my heart here lately. I find that it's sometime easier to type my feelings out rather than try to explain them to somebody. I did just that last night with my husband. I believe wholeheartedly that God intended Jeff and I to be married even before we were created. We were born to meet, fall in love, and spend the rest of our lives together. He comforts me in ways NO ONE ever could. He calms me and gives me peace at my most difficult moments. For that, I'm so thankful. I wouldn't be ME if it wasn't for the grace of God and having Jeff there by my side every moment that I start to feel weak.

Yesterday, as I was driving home for work, the sun was so bright. It was shining directly on me while driving on River Drive. I could feel the Lord speaking to me through the beauty of  His sunshine. To be honest, I have never felt like that before. Even sleeping on it, I can still feel the warmth I felt. I find it weird and awesome at the same time. As I was driving I was feeling sad, depressed, angry, and frankly pissed off at the world. First of all, moving to Iowa has taken a toll on my depressive state. Not have a teaching job has taken another hit at it. Having less friends. Having debt. Feeling 15 lbs. over weight. All of these "stuff" (insignificant to say the least) was weighing SO heavily on me. The tears began to fall.

To back up four years, I was in a serious relationship with a man (not husband). We were engaged to be married and oh how I thought it was perfect. I loved him with all my heart. He was my first true love. He deceived me and torn my world apart in a matter of three days. While I was gone in Colorado, working on a dude ranch for the summer, he had slept with a girl and she was pregnant. Pathetic! However, I felt myself still wanting to be with him and to "work it out". This is when my depression started. I can remember not getting out of bed for three days. Laying on the bathroom floor, refusing to go to my college classes. I was messed up in more ways than one. All I did literally was cry. I can remember the day I called my parents and told them that I couldn't beat this by myself and I needed help. I was in the McDonald's drive through, ordering a chicken nugget happy meal. I needed to be on medication to even make it through the rest of the semester. One week later, I was diagnosed with mild depression and was taken Celexa once a day. It ROCKED! I was back on my feet. I was beginning to become more happy, energetic, and fun. My future seemed bright. I transferred to the University of Arkansas and my life changed even more! I graduated with my undergraduate and completed graduate school.  I joined a sorority and made some life-long friends. And the best thing was I met my future husband.

I can feel myself sometimes slipping back into that feeling of crying and being unbalanced in my brain. This feeling came back yesterday as I was driving home and it continued until about 8pm. I was just so upset about everything in my life. Four years ago, I only took anti-depression medication for 6 months. I'm too stubborn of a person to take them for the rest of my life. I can control my chemical unbalance. Its a struggle but I'm doing great! My doctor doesn't think so and he said I should have taken them for at least 2 years and then winged myself off of them instead of just quitting cold turkey. Has anyone just quit something cold turkey? WOW...its a feeling I will not forget. I could literally feel my brain moving in my head. I thought I was going crazy....again :)

When I get down myself and my the life around me, it always makes me think about how selfish I really am. Last night I was sad about our finances, only because we had spent too much on extra things, didn't stick to our budget and now we can pay AS MUCH AS WE WANT TO on a credit card. Seriously, Allison! What are you thinking? I had to remind myself that there are people in this world and beyond that can't feed their children. My hearts pours out. There are people that don't have a warm bed. My heart pours out. People that don't have more than one set of clothes and holes in their shoes. My heart is breaking. What in the world do I have to complain about? Be sad about? Be angry about? Everyone says "We take things for granted." I don't like that because we say it and we don't mean it. Maybe it's just me though and I do take things for granted.

The moral of this long, ridiculous post is that my life is full of wonderful blessings. Some I'm fully aware of and some that I don't even consider. From this point on, I will try harder at accepting things about my life and always know that deep down in my heart and soul I'm okay. I am okay! My prayer is that God will continue to bless me and my family and all of those around me. God is so good and for the first time in a long time I realize that. It's a slice of heaven! :)

No comments:

Post a Comment